A journal of happenings in the life of a Democratic grassroots activist who suffers from "Campaign Anxiety Disorder" erratic behavior that affects mostly Republicans of all breeds, Sarah Palin and Fox TV.
Take a look, you may suffer from it too.
I have a little bit of time before I have to go vote and this little slice of life made me smile.
My dear friend Daisy, an Obamana (play of words on Obama and hermana which means sister). She is a stunning Latina, tall, smart and beautiful who is also writing a novel about women which I am sure will be spectacular. My friend is going to do something special and traditional for the election night party. All of us volunteers, CAD victims and others will be awaiting the election results at some kind of shindig or other. We will all have a glass of spirits in our hands and our hearts at the pit of our stomachs.
But….
Daisy has a better plan, something very constructive and positive. On New Year’s Eve we Latinas have several traditions to ensure us of a very prosperous New Year to come. We carry change in our pockets, throw buckets of water outdoors to ward-off bad spirits, gobble up our twelve grapes right before midnight, wear something new and eat and eat and eat. Well Ms.Daisy is a traditionalist and just informed me that in keeping with tradition She is wearing a pair of new panties for Obama!!! Really good idea Daisy, just be sure to keep them on untill 2009!
Jason is my dear friend. He is gay, an accomplished artist, an incurable fashion victim, music collector and exceptional dancer. I met with him yesterday.
I SAID:
“You look good, you look young, but honey you look like crazy crap!! What’s up with you?”
(His eyes are bulging out. His hair is longer than usual and unusually messy. He needs to shave right away)
HE SAID:
“Have you looked at the internal polls?? How about the battleground States??”
(For sometime now we only talk about politics and the campaign. He is extremely knowledgeable and has dedicated the past year to the political blogs, political newspapers, political talk shows, political banter and arguing. All else bothers and bores Jason. Nobody can pry him away from his obsession so all his good friends are now concerned and bothered by his peculiar behavior).
I SAID:
“Yes I have been looking at all that, but what is up with you???” You never go out anymore, don’t answer your cell and don’t go to the gym, don't paint.”
HE SAID:
“Everything seems to be good, but I don’t know, what about the turnout? Did you hear Dean today?” "I am going to light some candles."
I SAID:
“What?? When did you start praying? You are an agnostic!!!" "Don’t obsess. We are going to get all those voters out but….. what is up with you?”
HE SAID:
“I swear Bitch I can’t take it anymore, another week of this is going to kill me. I think all is OK but do you think it will be???” "What about the turn out?
I SAID:
“Yes all will be OK but……… what is up with you?”
His eyes bulge out and I swear they water. He looks up at the sky, lifts his arms up high, swings them, looks directly into my eyes and pronounces very, very seriously -
“I can’t wait for this to be over, I just want to go back to being a Fag!!!”
Today’s top of the day reaction to what I see in the news causes me to feel extreme queasiness, nausea and most of all disbelief. As if it wasn’t enough to have a “Caribou Barbie” loitering outside the White House Oval Office, hoping to “lead the Senate” (NOT), we now have Ms.Hasslebeck, “Silly Sassy Barbie”, trying to help her get there.
Is this the new dynamic duo, McCain’s Bobsy Twins? His fantasy threesome?
We have to give credit to Ms. Silly Sassy saying and doing all the right things. Reading from the teleprompter must be easy for her except that the talking points they have entrusted her with are the lowest of them all. The Palin mouth contortions, the childish inane sarcastic “sexist” remarks, and of course the flag pin.
Rick Davis, I beg you, have mercy on the best part of America. Pity the normal constituents, the bulk of both Republicans and Democrats who have enough common sense to easily discount this kind of bull. We are nauseated by this. What about the issues?
Are we going to have “Dumb & Dumber” masquerading for the next 8 days? Enough pandering to those out there that "Ms. VP Barbie" calls the "Real Americans" the dim witted constituents!!! She is wrong, we are smart.
I was thinking hard, believe it or not, about the somewhat famous for fifteen minutes “Joe The Plumber”. Mr. Joe Wurzelbacher from Ohio, the “Average Joe”, the “Real American” Senator McCain mentioned twenty one times during the last Presidential Debate. I get the message, its OK. Mr. McCaine wants us all to believe we are Joe or Joanna plumber, real Americans about to realize the American dream by buying a small business and being forever, ever happy.
Not so fast. I think the McCain handlers did him a disservice. There are better choices out there to portray good old Joe. It turns out Joe does not have a plumber's license, is a convicted wife beater, has a lean on his house for not paying taxes and there is no way in hell he can come up with enough money to buy out his boss since he makes less than $40,000 a year.
I have several ideas of who would have been a better allegorical figure for the Republicans to exploit. Remember Joe Clampett?
Unlike Joe W., Jed Clampett has hair. You can tell he is frugal, look at his clothes. There is a blonde bimbo, a dumb jok and a gun toting granny in the family . Best of all Jed is "Joe the Oil Man".
The Clampett's have it all. They should have left Joe the Plummer alone.
I have been trying very hard to consciously suppress one of the most devastating symptoms that my anxiety disorder CAD displays. I start to feel the warning signs that Tourette’s Disorder is about to take me over. It starts while I was taking an afternoon nap. I am crouched up in my bed watching Chris Matthews’s Hardball and start to nod off. Suddenly I am awakened by what, I first thought, was a bad dream. This woman, this fairly good looking brunette woman is on the screen loudly advocating for something that sounded like “expose”, an “investigation” of something important. I come around, sit up in a panic.
"I slept too long, what did I miss while napping?"
"Certainly a calamity has occurred in the Campaign!"
"What did Biden say! The polls have plummeted, the polls have plummeted!!!"
Oh, Oh, Oh, I should not nap.
I sprung up like a rocket from my bed and rushed to the living room where I can watch TV smoke cigarettes. I unfortunately succumbed to smoking six months into the campaign thinking it would calm me down. It did not, I now panic and cough at the same time.
I turn on the TV and tune in to Hardball:
Oh…………..My……….God! Mr. Tourette, please spare me from cursing!!! Oh………. No……….what a brainless, dim-witted She-Devil!!! What a Stinky, malodorous Mid Western She-Beast, Bitter, no-good, wretched She-Demagogue!!! Oh… ….No!!!!
I seem to be able to overcome the curse of badly cursing. The unintelligent, dimm-witted hag continues to talk and I pinch myself. Am I in America???? Have I gone back in time? These words are the echo Joe McCarthy and his 1950’s witch hunt!
Oh………….My ………..God!!! Mr. Tourette, please help!! This low class, reptilian, venomous She-Savage, Instigating Monster, Oh Well..I must say she is a F---ornicating Bitch!!! Evildoer Backmann is attempting to scare the hell out of Americans -Undecided Americans. I am dreadfully enraged by this Congresswoman from Minnesota. Her instigating tone and language are reminiscent of one of the darkest moments in American history, and She is reclaiming that moment. How utterly and outrageously revolting this irresponsible buffoon is.
What can I do to counter this malicious witch's toxic poison? I think of running to the Miami Serpentarium and donating some of my venom before I bite myself and others. I calmed down after realizing that Ms. Bechmann just hung herself. I donated $50 buckaroos to her opponent, Mr. Tinklenberg (for real, that is his name). Apparently, I am not the only one that had the Tourette attack and overcame. Mr. Tinklenberg has so far raised $120,000 since her demise. The GOP announced they will not fund the She-Beast's campaign any longer. of her campaign. Sometimes cursing does help!
Dear Readers, I suffer from “Campaign Anxiety Disorder” (CAD), a not-so-rare but devastating condition that has grown in epidemic proportions during the last year and a half and afflicts a large percent of the American Democrats population. Millions of people evidence some sort of annoying symptom stemming from this psychological and physical malady. The syndrome is manifested by a whole array of symptoms which include, unbridled anger, adrenalin overdose, family dysfunction and separation, rational exuberance, sleeplessness alcoholism, prescription drug abuse, road rage and the worst symptom of all…Tourett's Syndrome, the main reason why I am not being invited to family affairs and shunned by some people I know.
Doctors are not too familiar with CAD and my Dr. Vera was not able to diagnose me the first time I went to visit her with my ailment. “Dr. Vera, you must prescribe something I can’t function! “Dear it's menopause, dont fret, meditate” She said. Well I meditated, exercised, and started drinking way too much. Next visit she was concerned and oddly looked at me. “Dear, here is Dr. Weiss’s card, make an appointment. He is a therapist”. I did, Dr. Weiss gave me an emergency appointment. To make the story short, it turns out I do not have a deeply seated bipolar or personality disorder. I am not chronically compulsive. I do not need anger management classes. I am suffering from advanced “Campaign Anxiety Disorder” what a relief!! “For Pete’s sake give me something Dr.Weitz!!!” I begged.
It turns out the good Doctor has had to prescribe plenty of Xanax to many anguished patients like me. It appears that zillions of Americans are suffering from this malady and not even extra doses of Xanax can pry them away from their powerful and intense, almost crazy drive to get Barack Obama elected. The process is killing us and I hope we do not develop a long term disability. CAD causes hazardous behavior to us, our friends, families but most of all to Republicans, Fox TV and Sara Palin.
I have since decided that I will take my dose of Xanax to keep my sanity but also feel it is important to narrate to all of you that will listen my daily emotional rollercoaster ride and how my CAD is manifested constantly and mercilessly every moment of the day. I am now experiencing the final stages of my disease and hopefully I will survive this last ride which ends November 4th. , 2008.
I don’t really know if my Mommy provided me a security blanket when I was a baby. It doesn't matter because I sure do have one now and I ‘m sucking away hoping it works in making me feel safe and secure. In preparation for the debate, after rushing home, I overflow, with good wine, my Obama water bottle; I put on my glow-in-the- dark extra large Obama T-shirt, lay down on the sofa and cuddled with my “blanky”. I looked at the mirror hanging on the wall across from the couch and it lets me know something is not right. I don’t look quite sane. Actually I look like a night owl on amphetamines sporting a very pale greenish complexion!!! I guess its part of my CAD malady, it takes a toll and I have had it for a year and a half now. I wolf down a snack and some more wine, the wine is great medicine. It is now 8:58 pm, October 15th, 2008, two minutes before the showdown, the face-off, the last debate between the two candidates. I am mad at my grouchy roommate. He won't be watching the debate, instead he is watching the finale of Project Runway and wants to drown out his anxiety with the TV’s earsplitting sound . It is interfering with my “try-not-to-have-your-stomach-eaten-away-by-acid” preparations. I understand he is in denial and claims not to have any CAD symptoms but I know better. I see his “owl eyes” and greenish face. Unintentionally, again , I get a glimpse of me on the freaking mirror. I now look terrified, greener, quite disheveled, ugly and possibly drunk. I seriously think of throwing something at the mirror or maybe covering it up? The introductions have started, candidates shake hands, the first question is placed, I uncover my eyes by lowering my hands from my face, and I quickly guzzle down more wine. Slowly, carefully I peek and am confronted by this: (video of scary faces)
I take a very deep breath, stretch, another sip and suddenly all of my symptoms disappear. No CAD here inside. No “bumpy ride” for me tonight. Well.... I mean??? Come On!!!!!!!!!, McCain's face looks Scarier than mine ever was! Poor Mr. McScary, he must have gotten the dates confused, his lousy advisors did not correct him. Tonight is not Halloween!!! Trick or Treat is not tonight!! Take off the scary mask please.
